Commit to Listen

"They just won't listen to me!" is a cry that is often heard from employers, significant others, parents, etc. What I have found is that when these same people commit to listen to the very folks they are frustrated with for not listening, magic occurs.

We’ve all heard the old saying, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” It is so true in all relationships, both personal and professional. When people know that we genuinely care about them as unique individuals, they are so much more willing to do what we ask, or at least meet us in the middle.

Context Associated (a training company) teaches a model for communication called “The Agreement Creation Process”. It is a powerful tool for finding common ground that I will share with you today.

THE AGREEMENT CREATION PROCESS
(BASED ON WIN-WIN)

Know my point of view
Believe in it (Be aware of my own value).
Commit to listen to someone
Determine who to communicate with (the most appropriate person).
Take action
- Establish trust and rapport
- Determine other’s need (what would be a win for the other person)
Present my point of view (as an alternative way of satisfying the need).
Acknowledge and discuss other’s considerations.
Choice:
- YES: Follow up, Follow up, Follow up
- NO: Go back to the beginning

Being very clear on our point of view, as well as the value of that point of view is critical to a successful outcome when entering into an important conversation. It is so difficult for others to understand what we want when we’re unclear ourselves. But, people rarely take the time to think these things through before they start talking. Small wonder we often have communication difficulties!

Once that is handled, there’s still more to do before we actually present our point of view. We must make a genuine commitment to listening more than we’re talking, and we also need to be sure we’re communicating with the right person. We can put a lot of energy into a conversation only to find out that the timing of the conversation is not good, or that we’re talking with a person who can’t affect the situation. By investing a bit of effort up front, we can save a lot of energy and frustration down the road.

Now that we’re clear on what we want, why it matters and we’re communicating with the right person, it seems like we ought to be able to jump in and start telling them what we came to tell them, right? Not so! We still need to find out what’s in it for them. How do we meet their needs, too? The best way to do this is to ask and then listen to their response without interrupting!

It is only after we have laid some solid groundwork that “Present my point of view” comes into play. When we just jump in and start telling people what we think and what we want before we have a clue about their frame of mind, we set ourselves up for failure and frustration. And then we wonder why they’re not as excited as we are about what we want!

It is also important to note that even when we have laid a firm foundation there may still be considerations to work through. That’s okay. If you have done your work up front and remember your commitment to listen more than you talk, chances are very good that you will come to an agreement that works for both of you. Nothing is 100%. But, this approach definitely increases the odds that you will be able to get what you want – and save (or even grow) the relationship at the same time.

I encourage you to give this a try, remembering that new skills take practice. If you have questions or get stuck, please give me a call. I’m happy to walk through some practice with you.

© Lifestyling 2005 All rights reserved.
Cheri Fredrickson, Purveyor of Possibilities
Coaching and Energy Work
www.cherifredrickson.com
cheri@cherifredrickson.com
503-970-1973

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